Sometimes, It’s Those Quiet Ones…

All right, so I’ve sort of been back and forth with the idea that I might be bipolar, but then I’ll just sum my varying moods (Which cycle from very low/depressed/reflective to very euphoric/creative) up to being an INFP.

I took a bipolar self screening test today and I scored quite high on the likelihood that I have bipolar disorder.

A part of me always knew something was off, even back when I was 11 years old. That was when my manic laughing fits would happen even when I was the farthest thing from happy. Very few people ever validated my strange moods.

Being so quiet and spending a lot of time on my own, very few people would ever be close enough to notice my depression and then my sudden rise to feeling like the most chipper little thing on the block. Even in the medical world, many doctors misdiagnose bipolar disorder for general depression, which can do a lot of harm.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression over a year ago and I was given antidepressants – which make bipolar disorder worse. My suicidal thoughts worsened after I waited 3 months for the pills to supposedly “work”. I stopped taking them, since I figured I might as well have the depression without spending $80 per month on pills that don’t work.

My doctor did not take me seriously after I stopped taking the pills. It’s almost like she thought I was making it up, or didn’t want to receive help. I could sort of understand her mindset. From her point of view, she had come to see me after hours once when I went to the hospital about my suicidal thoughts, and she had even done some basic counseling at her office with me. She did as best as she could, but this is why I strongly feel that general practitioners should not be seeing someone with a serious mood disorder that causes them to idealize suicide.

Fast forward to today and I am not in a depressed state, but a month ago, I was suicidal and I slept a lot. This is not normal, balanced brain chemistry. If it’s not bipolar disorder, then it’s a case of me being a very highly sensitive person. The latter idea doesn’t really seem right though, does it?

I am an INFP, which are very sensitive personalities with a very rich inner world. They’re often writers. I have read a lot of articles of them being more prone to depression, and some claim to be bipolar. Other INFPs refuse to identify with any disorders and have simply embraced that their personality type is a result of a different brain chemistry than most other people.

The screening test that I took through Black Dog Institute says that a score of 22 or higher is 80% likely that you have bipolar disorder. My score on the bipolar self test is 35.

35??!!

I will be seeing a doctor and perhaps I will, at last, be properly diagnosed and have access to effective counseling.

I will never take stabilizing drugs, because as terrible as those depressive cycles can be, I will not take anything that will affect my creativity. For every suicidal/dark episode that I experience, there’s a euphoric, beautiful period that follows and I write with so much meaning and purpose that I am so grateful to be alive.

But counseling is something that is said to be helpful. I feel that it could help me during the down times and give me some perspective.

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