Well, la dee da. It’s been a while since I have written on this blog.
I apologize for the dry spell. I think I did need a break.
My depression lifted after I left Banff and worked at a wilderness lodge in northern British Columbia. I did feel anxious and stressed because of the job I was doing, but it was a hell of a lot better than wanting to die and sleeping my life away.
I was a bad patient back in Banff. That resilience training probably would have helped me a great deal, but I felt that the therapist had an issue with me. Maybe she did, or maybe it was a bad case of my INFP personality reading between the lines. Maybe it was a bit of both.
Leaving the situation with the noisome, misunderstanding room mates in Banff helped quite a bit. Even my short term traveler boyfriend, whom I thought I had truly fallen for at the time, was taking a toll on me. Probably because transient relationships don’t exactly float my boat anymore… and I was torturing myself by being with someone who I knew would willingly leave. With a smile on his face.
Well, we live and learn right?
I had my own room at the wilderness lodge, and life was easier going. Sure, we drank sometimes, but we would be just as likely to sit around a bonfire or watch movies while smoking a joint. It was much more chill, and that was what I needed.
I think having the INFP personality type in and of itself makes life an eternal emotional roller coaster, as though we never truly emerge from our adolescence. I really prefer not to think too much of my suicidal/depression days. If they never come up again, I can just think of it as a bad dream, and use it to help people who are battling depression by sharing my experiences and telling them how I was able to combat it. Maybe this is the hypomania stage, but I want to think that it isn’t and that I really am doing a lot better. That there isn’t a wave of depression waiting to take me down again.
After seeing the west coast for a few days, I fell in love with it as I knew I would. I had wanted to live out there since I was a teenager, being a lover of the rain and preferring to live by the water. Now, my dream has become a reality and I am going to move out there when early September rolls around. I feel refreshed, ready for a new change and certainly a new challenge.
I probably did not build a lot of resilience to arm myself against another wave of depression, but I am going to hope that with the better setting, I won’t have to battle against all that much. As long as I have a good friend or two within reach, I think I’ll be okay even if some bad situation comes my way. I’ll also have the mountains, the ocean, and the rain to calm me and cater to my inspiration. My sister and cousins are always within reach to call or Skype as well. My goodness, life is going to be much better this year. 🙂
Maybe sometimes all that we need is to be in the right setting and be around good people who at least respect us even if they can’t understand us, and things will be okay.