Her Depression Diaries: Am I Just A Ticking Time Bomb?

I’m sorry. I was supposed to post about how therapy has helped me… well, clearly I have not found the right therapist yet, because these ups and downs continue to plague me. I mean, why was I even going to bother when just three weeks ago, I was suicidal again. That being said, I really need to work harder to find a therapist that will not talk over me and act annoyed/threatened by who I am.

I just can’t be bothered to open myself up to friendship any longer. I know that a lot of my issues with making and retaining friends is my strange personality, but I was really hurt again just over two weeks ago (I think anyway) and someone I felt that I connected with just ended up ignoring me repeatedly. I mean, why does this always have to happen? I was really upset at work around that time, and I told a new coworker that I just can’t bother with people anymore, because every SINGLE time (With a handful of exceptions) they act like they care and we have a great talk, sometimes even kiss if it’s a guy, and then they just withdraw from me. I am guilty for withdrawing from groups of people often, but I have never ignored or avoided someone whom I felt I really connect with. THEY always fucking leave me. Maybe I’m just player bait because I’m tall and pretty? Or because I give off a naïve vibe? I don’t know.

But I just won’t give my hopes up anymore. It’s better that way. I just really need a break from people right now. Maybe after I have some time to re-charge, I will be able to give friendships another chance, but I am just done with everyone I work and live with right now. I don’t have the energy for them anymore, even though I really do care about them and want to be able to be there for them.

I was swinging on a swing today (As I often do) and a kid, about thirteen or fourteen, looked at me sympathetically and smiled and said, “Hi.” He was trying to make me feel better… a kid. Is my depression that obvious that people much younger than me notice it. It was a nice thing for him to do, and it did make me smile because it was so unexpected, but it made me wonder if things will always be this way.

Today I asked myself if I was just a ticking time bomb. Am I just another suicide case waiting to happen? I’ve been fighting so hard, and I do have those manic highs that I just ride as though I’m a young bird in its prime. I love feeling euphoric and highly creative at random. Two days ago I was on such an emotional high, that I couldn’t believe that I had ever wanted to kill myself. I don’t want to die. I really don’t. I’m so, so scared. I love life and I understand how precious it is. I want to write so many books.

But the thing with depression is that it is emotional and physical torture. Feeling sad, anxious, hopeless, empty, alone, unworthy of love and friendship… it is so detrimentally painful for my mind that it starts to hurt me physically. My energy is shot when my manic episode is over. My stomach hurts and I often have no appetite. Sometimes it feels like someone is literally cutting my chest open. My heart hurts at the worst of times. It literally hurts.

I’ve watched documentaries and listened to seminars about bipolar and depression and even with strict antidepressants and therapy, people are still in for a fucking fight. In the HBO documentary, “Boy Interrupted”, the boy’s mother even states that he may have jumped off the bridge because he knew that his bipolar disorder was too strong for him to fight against anymore. He was only fifteen, and he gave up. I have nothing but love and respect for him, battling something so traumatic at such a young age. He was brave. But I am so scared that I will have the same fate, after I’ve published a few books… I may feel as though there’s nothing else to stay alive for. I love my family and my few friends, and I want to live a wonderful life, but depression can be so painful and intense that it makes you want to hurt yourself, even kill yourself, just to escape from the dark hopelessness that it plagues you with.

I really am prepared to fight. I promise you and myself this. I’m not going to give up without a Viking shield maiden’s fight. Even if I am a ticking time bomb.

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