Sometimes, It’s Those Quiet Ones…

All right, so I’ve sort of been back and forth with the idea that I might be bipolar, but then I’ll just sum my varying moods (Which cycle from very low/depressed/reflective to very euphoric/creative) up to being an INFP.

I took a bipolar self screening test today and I scored quite high on the likelihood that I have bipolar disorder.

A part of me always knew something was off, even back when I was 11 years old. That was when my manic laughing fits would happen even when I was the farthest thing from happy. Very few people ever validated my strange moods.

Being so quiet and spending a lot of time on my own, very few people would ever be close enough to notice my depression and then my sudden rise to feeling like the most chipper little thing on the block. Even in the medical world, many doctors misdiagnose bipolar disorder for general depression, which can do a lot of harm.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression over a year ago and I was given antidepressants – which make bipolar disorder worse. My suicidal thoughts worsened after I waited 3 months for the pills to supposedly “work”. I stopped taking them, since I figured I might as well have the depression without spending $80 per month on pills that don’t work.

My doctor did not take me seriously after I stopped taking the pills. It’s almost like she thought I was making it up, or didn’t want to receive help. I could sort of understand her mindset. From her point of view, she had come to see me after hours once when I went to the hospital about my suicidal thoughts, and she had even done some basic counseling at her office with me. She did as best as she could, but this is why I strongly feel that general practitioners should not be seeing someone with a serious mood disorder that causes them to idealize suicide.

Fast forward to today and I am not in a depressed state, but a month ago, I was suicidal and I slept a lot. This is not normal, balanced brain chemistry. If it’s not bipolar disorder, then it’s a case of me being a very highly sensitive person. The latter idea doesn’t really seem right though, does it?

I am an INFP, which are very sensitive personalities with a very rich inner world. They’re often writers. I have read a lot of articles of them being more prone to depression, and some claim to be bipolar. Other INFPs refuse to identify with any disorders and have simply embraced that their personality type is a result of a different brain chemistry than most other people.

The screening test that I took through Black Dog Institute says that a score of 22 or higher is 80% likely that you have bipolar disorder. My score on the bipolar self test is 35.

35??!!

I will be seeing a doctor and perhaps I will, at last, be properly diagnosed and have access to effective counseling.

I will never take stabilizing drugs, because as terrible as those depressive cycles can be, I will not take anything that will affect my creativity. For every suicidal/dark episode that I experience, there’s a euphoric, beautiful period that follows and I write with so much meaning and purpose that I am so grateful to be alive.

But counseling is something that is said to be helpful. I feel that it could help me during the down times and give me some perspective.

Introversion and Smarts Often Get You Confused With Being Mature,

But then people wonder why you all of a sudden start laughing about poop. Or they wonder why you’ll literally run away from an annoying crowd rather than follow social norms and say your polite farewells. Or they wonder why you’ll randomly move to another city without prior notice. Or they wonder why you can’t hold jobs for very long, because you value your (delicate) sanity more than a strong resume.

And then, even after you demonstrate how you rarely ever act your age, they will still call you mature.

People are so unaware of the stereotypes that they place on others that they will ignore the conflicting evidence that is right in front of their noses.

Anyways, thanks for calling me something that I’m not. It allows me to get away with more. ❤

let me go

I savoured the sound of your heart beat against my ear as I lay my head on your chest. Finally together, drunk, but holding one another. I knew it may not last, deep down, so that is why I paid  special attention to your touch, and kissed your cheek.

But you hurt me.

If I see you again, we will act as strangers. This I know. It was your choice to let me go.

No one knows

Pale light streamed into the bathroom. Leaning against the wall, I studied my slender, blue veins.

How would it feel to slice them in just the right way?

I felt myself slipping away again by depression’s deathly tide.

He said that I looked pristine and that he found me interesting. His face lit up when I spoke of my writing. He said he wanted to see a movie with me this weekend, but I am afraid to expect it. I am just as afraid that he won’t text me and that we will never go.

What if our chance meeting at the coffee shop and our blossoming conversation were all for naught?

My mind protects my body from another assault by my own hand. I wipe away my tears, staring blankly at myself in the mirror once again. Hurting so much.

And no one knows.

6 Easy Tips To Simplify Your Life

I thought this was great and helpful! 🙂

2HelpfulGuys

Is your day-to-day life full of stress and chaos?

Are you scrambling for a brief peaceful moment in the day just to relax? There is just too much each day to worry about, keep track off and deal with.

Everyday, we’re plagued with the trials and tribulations of life. We’re put to the test and forced to deliver. If we don’t, we disappoint someone, or worse, ourselves.

Amidst the chaos, it can be hard to find a peaceful moment. So then, what is the solution? It is quite simple – simplify your life.

We’ve compiled some of our best tips to help you simplify your life. We use these on a day-to-day basis and it grants us perspective and allows us some quiet in the chaos.

1) Believe in Yourself

You are your own worst critic. You are your own judge and jury. What you think about yourself directly…

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No More Online Dating

Today, it dawned on me that I am officially done with online dating. I stood up my date this afternoon. We had planned to go for a walk to a local lake and it occurred to me that I would rather enjoy the walk on my own than go with a random guy that I might not get along with. He seemed interesting and he’s tall (6″4″), but I’ve realized that I just don’t want to meet random men for dates anymore.

I feel awful and I was sure to message him before the time, but he was obviously not impressed that I cancelled. He actually made a mark on me, because so many guys will ask me to reschedule or they’ll coddle me with their words. But the guy today actually called me on my shit and I respect him for that. He told me that I need to be aware of the impact that I have on others. It was so simple, but it rattled me. Even if I feel nervous or depressed one day, I don’t want that to affect someone else who was really looking forward to meeting me. Yet, I don’t stand up my friends. So I realized that what I need is some more friends, not Tinder contacts.

I want to meet people through what I deem to be a healthier means of socializing. I understand and I do not judge those who want to meet people through online dating, but there’s just something about the organic development of a relationship that begins from simply living your life.

Now, I realize that by going to and from work everyday and only meeting up with my established friends are not great ways to meet new guys. It is almost summer and there are LOADS of social activities aimed at young people to take part in. I’m going to expand my social circle (By expand, I mean attend a meetup group or two).

I am growing tired of that awkward feeling you get before meeting a total stranger for the first time on a date. I’d rather develop a friendship with a few people and if something romantic starts, then by that point we would already be comfortable with one another and the whole going a date thing would feel exciting and nice!

There are meetup groups of writers, social activists, vegans, film lovers, artists, EDM lovers, philosphical thinkers, etc. so I’ve got a few different options to meet a nice spectrum of personalities.

I’ve signed up for a few activities through Meetups.com and I’m excited to make some new friends, and obviously, some nice, interesting guys. I’m not desperate or in a rush to have a boyfriend by any means, but I’ve been single and independent for a few years now and if I met someone interesting, fun, and cool then why not share a part of my life with them?

So, here it is: Out with the online dating and on to the social meet up groups!

The Mild/Moderate Depression Aftermath

Something I’ve also learned since going through (And overcoming) severe depression is that sometimes we don’t notice that we are still depressed, simply because we feel so much better than we did before. While a more mild form of depression is not normally dangerous, it can turn into something worse (Thus, something more dangerous) if you don’t take care of yourself.

When I left the area that I had gone through the worst bout of depression, I felt much better, but for a couple of months I was still sleeping too much, taking too many sedatives to shut out my emotions, and I even had one relapse of suicidal thoughts.

Be careful to watch out for symptoms of mild to moderate depression so that you can catch yourself before you slip further into major depression.

Know the first signs of depression : (Information is taken from http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/depression-pro):

  • Persistent sadness or low mood nearly every day.
  • Loss of interests or pleasure in most activities.

Plus some of the following symptoms:

  • Fatigue or loss of energy.
  • Worthlessness, excessive, or inappropriate guilt.
  • Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, or actual suicide attempts.
  • Diminished ability to think/concentrate or increased indecision.
  • Psychomotor agitation or retardation.
  • Insomnia/hypersomnia.
  • Changes in appetite and/or weight loss.

I think a lot of people who have come out from depression are startled when they experience a sudden suicidal thought when something in their life doesn’t go well. I certainly was! I think it’s because people get so busy in their lives and since we had once been used to feeling very low for a long period of time, we usually won’t notice that depression is creeping up again.

If you’re feeling even a few of these symptoms and they’re affecting your life, I would talk to a medical professional. Sometimes it helps just knowing that someone is validating your concerns and they will be able to point you in the appropriate direction: Therapy, medication, exercise, a change in diet, or all of the above.

What I Learned After Beating Suicide

I dislike articles that generalize everyone else with the reader’s own experience, so I will write what I have personally experienced after battling severe depression on a few different occasions.

1) Those Feelings Didn’t Just “Go Away”

It takes a lot of fighting and a hell of a lot of work to get to a place where you just feel okay rather than terribly depressed or dangerously suicidal. It sounds like the worst piece of advice to hear while you’re still suffering, but the only way to get out of depression is to fight it with all you’ve got. Tell yourself what your dreams were before you became mentally tortured and then fight for them. Battle for what will be, even if you don’t think there will be anything. Because I assure you that there will be something much better for you than depression and its side effects!

I moved great distances and chased a few different opportunities so that I could get away from the bad environment that made me want to end my life. When I finally got to a better place, the depression would creep in again sometimes, but the difference from before was that I had a better environment to live in and my own solitude to fall back on.

2) Choosing Where You Live Is Essential.

I think more focus should be made on what really makes an individual jive. We’re still taught as children and young adults that living and being a certain way is better than other ways that may actually make us happier. Your living space must work for you. Most of my own depression was actually rooted in the house/houses I was living in, and then each new problem or situation would just snowball, because I was literally left exposed and vulnerable. If your place of residence is driving you up the wall, or if you live with people who do not respect you or your lifestyle, then I highly recommend that you get out. Your mind will be immensely grateful for it.

Do you feel stuck? Then make an escape plan: Figure out your finances and start looking for affordable housing. Ask a friend or family member if you can even crash with them until you feel better. You’ll probably find that it’s easier to get out of your toxic living arrangement than you thought. 🙂

3) My Mind Is Stronger

I wouldn’t wish severe depression on anyone, but a reward for those who have experienced it and have been able to beat it is this: There’s a certain mental strength that befalls those who claw their way up the slippery hill to emotional survival. It is not an easy journey, especially when you’ve had multiple bouts of depression/suicidal ideations. In my case, after I finally survived the worst of my depression, my mental resiliency became pretty high. Things just don’t bother me as much as they used to.

I think a lot of this is a defense mechanism. Your brain knows how badly you will feel if your mood and emotions slip too far, so you may notice that mean friends or bad life situations won’t kill you as much as they used to. Even if those dangerous thoughts return, it’s been much easier to shut them down and then quickly do something that I enjoy.

I am a fighter, and I won’t let one bad person or a stupid situation get me down for very long. You are a fighter, too.